STILL HERE!

just so busy for the past months. School and all. but regardless of all those things, i'm still here, well and alive. just have a hard time finding the time to blog about anything. especially now that the person that made me start this blog is now somwhere else probably sleeping by now. it's been five months since i last saw him. five long, lonely months. i actually wrote a timeline from the beginning of march till the last time i saw him about things that happened but due to my idiotness, i managed to delete that because i did not save it on my phone. i miss him. but anyway, here i am! again. lol.

Crush: The Series (Camps)

Code Name: Camps
Age: 18

How Tall?: 3 stars

How Lean?: 5 stars

How Fair Skinned?: 4 stars

Camps. I'm grinning like a total idiot right now.

Camps and i are taking the same course. Only thing is, he's one year ahead of me so that means he took all the subjects that i'm currently taking right now and that means same rooms and same rooms means same chairs. So i might be lucky enough to have sat on one of the chairs that he used. Indirect butt kiss.

Like Pards, I didn't really pay attention to him before. He is actually shorter than I am by a couple of inches.And his hair style, well not really style because its done in a way only to keep his hair off his forehead and uses a girl's hair elastics (is that what they're called?) to do it. That's a massive turn off for me. So why am i so much into him then? Honestly, i don't know.

It all started when he got his haircut. And at that point (without the girl elastics thingy which puts me off more than an automatic transmission ricer with too much body kits) Rye is now officialy dethroned. Bye Rye!

Plus he is a really quiet, sort of shy, type of guy and quite mysterious but not weird. And he is like the right hand guy (not a teacher's pet) of their prof. He is THAT good.

Our course really involves a lot of cars and engines. And I'm interested in those things so i took it. And our major subject involves lots of actual operation and execution of the things we learned in our lectures. And i can tell that he doesn't need lectures, he is a natural.

I remember this one time when the shop technician can't get one engine running, he immediately called Camps and damn, he got that engine running in no time.

But one of the most amazing things that i saw Camps do that really increased my RESPECT level for him was that he restored an entire VW Beetle all by himself. Well, with the help of some people but he did most of it himself. Overhauled the engine, spray painted the whole car and everything that needs to be done.

All in just a few months.

Although the interior is quite errr.. undone but everything else is fine and working. It's just amazing that he brought the car at the shop being towed and he drove it out of the shop a couple of months later. He even uses it as a daily driver. Car is his i think.

And when i hear that signature Beetle burble roaring inside the campus, i cant resist cracking a smile knowing that his foot is on the throttle.

And just like Pards. I didn't know his name AGAIN. I only knew his surname. And that's also where i derived the code name "Camps".

I learned his name when we attended a safety seminar about defensive driving. We all entered our names in a record book. All i thought was that we are only gonna be the ones inside. When i say "we" , i mean me and my classmates. I was wrong. The students who are taking the same course are in that room. So immediately, i searched the room and found him there at the back of the room with his friends. And my classmates decided to sit at the front.

Ugh.

 Not only was i far from him but the front row usually gets asked about random things a LOT.

After being oriented and informed for 3 HOURS about how to drive safely and defensively and being exposed to extremely graphic photos of uncareful drivers (do they really have to do that?) I learned that our names were required so that they could type them into certificates.

And then they started to call us one by one, by the surname to get the certificates up front. My mind, which only works when the person i admire is involved, immediately waited for him to be called.

 But i was called first and i tripped at the FRONT of the entire room. Fuck.

I didn't fall on my knees, no.But still, Fuck.

Whoever decided to put a massive drop on the floor at the front of the room loves to see students trip in front of their crushes.

Happy now mr. floor builder? It was only A FIVE INCH drop by the way. Or maybe three. Possibly two. Whatever , i still tripped.

Anyway, after recovering from that ego hurting moment. I waited for him to be called. And then, just as the speaker was calling his surname, the students decided to fuck everything and just go up front and get their certificates. Or maybe they just want to get close to the beautiful lady that calls their names.

Boys. Smh.

But still i heard his name and then again searched for him on Crush Directory (Facebook). And damn.

My jaw dropped.

No he doesn't have a baby or a girlfriend (i suppose). He is a very inactive user. His last post was way back in 2013. But that is not what made my jaw dislocate from its hinges.

 I learned that he is a RACER.

A racer with his own Race Car

I was like Fuck times infinity. I have a crush on a  RACE CAR DRIVER (spoken in a hyperventilated manner). Damn.

Now i know the answer why he makes that face everytime he drives. Focused.

You can actually tell that he has been on the track countless of times just by looking at his facial expression while he drives the Beetle. I find that one totally hot.

Or maybe he is not a race car driver and the car is not his and he just decided to post it. But he has different photos of the car and i saw other pictures  in a race event so i'll just asume that he is one. Whatever.

I actually dreamed of a scenario where our school gets two random people from our course and makes them as their representative in a national race competition. And we both get picked and we are sent to a place provided by the school to stay and practice for a month. And we will buy two cars and modify the hell out of it and see who is the faster one. And we'll have fun.And we will develop our friendship.And i admit what i feel for him and he says he likes me too. And decides to take it to another level. And then the racing season comes and our team wins and the viewers immediately notice our chemistry and affection with each other and we try to say that we are only friends and its just that. But little do they know that we are in an actual relationship behind the cameras. So naturally people would ship us and stuff and makes fan fictions and edit pictures where it would look like me and camps are kissing and those kinds of stuff fans do. And then we will win again next year and then moves on to international events and we will win again and our private relationship is still going strong and then eventually we both graduate from college with our cars in a museum and we get hired by the big car companies to be their drivers in formula one and then we will break out the news that we are in a relationship and that it has been going on for years now and that were both happy and were making lots of money, buying cars, living the life. And then my alarm clock ruins everything.

But seriously, I am extremely amazed at what Camps is capable of. Truly an amazing guy.

And he always has this serious demeanor. But i find it attractive.

But when he just lets go and have some fun in the shop, he is as cute as it can get.

 This one time where he was installing
insulating sheet (idk what thats called. Its a foil-like thing with foam like material in between) under the VW's roof. He actually wore the rolled sheet around him and walked around the shop like a penguin. Flapping his arms at his sides and walking like its his first time just looks extremely adorable.

Times like those when an extremely serious, guarded dude just shakes all the guards off and just lets go and exposes his hidden side is what i consider priceless.

And his goofy grin just melts my heart off my arteries and veins.

I've never been intrigued by a guy like this since Pards.

I was reading some posts on the net the other day and i read a very interesting quote.

It went on like this

"When you see him as perfect, that's infatuation, but when you see all his flaws and you simply dont care, that is love."

That got me thinking, do i love him? Because he doesn't meet all my requirements ( lol ) but he got me going crazy all over him.

I wouldn't say that he is on Pards level, but he is THAT close.

Or maybe he surpassed Pards and i just don't know it yet.

Or maybe, i just wouldn't admit it to myself yet.

Scratch that. I think love just came around again in the form of Camps.

- Ian

How to Survive College?

College.

Ah yes. The point in your life where you want to hit your head with a hammer.

Just kidding.

It's the point in life where you want to stab yourself with a needle.

All the work doesn't really stop.
Having a break for five minutes is just too much. Five minutes is the difference between you passing your project on time and failing.

Here are some tips on how to survive each grueling semester in college; (trust me, i'm a college student so i know my stuff)

1. Pick the course that you like

Listen to your guts people. This is the most important decision that you'll make when you enter college. Know the things that you like and hate.

You love Math and drawing? Take Engineering.

You love drawing and designing? Take Architecture.

You love bussiness? Take Bussiness Ad.

You love fucking up your mind and other people's? Take Psychology.


2. Have an extremely good time management.

Time is not your best friend when in college. You think you have lots of time to do a specific task and then the next thing you know, your prof is asking for your output. And you're left there, mouthing the words;

 " I thought i had the time."

Well i'm sorry but no. Time is like a backstabbing bitch. You think you have many, but in reality you have none.
So when a prof tells you to do eighteen darn plates fifteen days beforehand, do it immediately.

 ( plates= fancy engineering drawings)

I experienced this first hand. My prof told us to do eighteen, EIGHTEEN plates. He announced it three weeks before the submission date. And being the greatest procrastinator who lived on earth, i didn't do it until it was only a week before the submission date.

I pulled of consecutive all nighters just to finish those fuckers. After i managed to submit them (barely), i looked like shit.

Literally.

I normally look like shit but this "shit-look" is on another level.

 Pimples everywhere, eyebags bigger than my back pack,  shaking hands due to endless drawings and letterings and a response time slower than Internet Explorer. Trust me, you don't want that to happen to you. Do your things on time.


3. Use your charm.

First impressions lasts. So when classes start, be sure to be always nice and polite and just have this really nice image. Not to be plastic but you really have to bring out the nicest image that you have  not just to your classmates but for your professors too.

Just think of it like this, you're a celeb that needs to take care of their public image so people would like you.

Be nice to everybody.

Just don't be an asshole.


4. Focus

I know what i came to do

And that ain't gonna change
So fuck you all.

Focus is one precious thing to have when in college. Put this on your mind;

"You came here to study and nothing else."

You should have more focus than Ariana Grande singing Focus inside a Ford Focus.

Gosh i'm terrible at jokes.

Specially when studying for exams. And in college, there's an exam for, i don't know, EVERYDAY.

Before entering a class, shake down all your thoughts and leave them outside the door. Listening to your lectures is the difference between passing and repeating the subject all over again the next semester. And that sucks.

Generally, college lectures are like this;

Professor: The two variables will make it possible to predict one if one of them is given.

Me: So that means that there is an established relationship between the two?

Professor: Yes.
Me: Okay i get it.

Random classmate: Hey can i borrow your pencil?

Me: Sure yeah

*gives the pencil then looks back at the board*

Professor: Ok. Now if the braking distance of the car from 100 km/h is 60 feet, compute for the mass of the earth.

Me: Fuck this shit i'm out.

So fuck your classmate who doesn't have a pencil and just focus or consider yourself fucked if you don't.


5. Have really good friends.

In college, you will meet two kinds of friends;

The Real ones and the ones that only remembers your name when it's time for exams.

Fuck the latter.

Know the people that you hang out with. Avoid the ones that brings bad influence into your studies.Go with the people that you know you can trust. Go with the ones that will walk behind you in case you shit your pants.

Trust me, you'll make it through college with them.


6. Know your place

In college, you must know how to put yourself in place before somebody else does.

Don't act like a royal highness.

Social climbers beware.

( i know this contradicts rule no. 3 but this is some other shit)

See, the thing is when you enter college, you are a nobody. You begin from the bottom. Your whole biography is not written across your back. You don't know anyone and no one knows you. You strive just like the others do.

Though sometimes, some professors would seem to like you but think, you are NOT the only likeable student in the whole campus. People would treat you just like they would treat others.

No matter how your prof likes you as a student, at the end of the day your grades would determine if your'e in deep shit or not.

If you want to earn respect, you gotta work for it. And don't brag about it. Let your achievements make the bragging for you.

Wow, i can't believe that actually came from me.


7. "Lazy" is not in a college student's dictionary.

College is simple.

You're lazy = you fail

You study = you fail

You study hard = you fail

You study so hard to the point where you get pimple outbreaks, you get a minute worth of sleep and you become bestfriends with books = you pass, barely.

The only time when you take a break when in college is when your'e taking a dump. But you're still reciting stuff that you memorized minutes prior. So yeah.


8. Internet is the mightiest blessing you could ever have.

When you're a teen and a college student and you don't have access to the internet, it's like;

A.) When you're a boy, living without a penis.

B.) When you're a girl, living without make up.

It's just impossible.

And internet is the only key to the second mightiest blessing ever known to college students; Wikipedia.

Just admit it, you've consulted wikipedia at least a thousand times through your study years.


9. Have an inspiration.

"I do this for the conversion of my dreams into reality"

That is the most clichè inspiration you would hear from a college student.

Don't believe me? Fine, ask a college student and hear their answers.

If that's not the answer you get well...............

I love marshmallows.

Anyway, for me, my idea of an inspiration would be a crush with someone. You do everything for them. You dedicate everything for them. But in reality, you're using them as a medium for the success of your work, thus, inspiration. You have a crush on somebody and you get your things done sounds like a win win for me.

Just say, whenever you are doing something hard and it seems like it's impossible to do it on time, just say, for example,

" This is for you *insert name here*"

And voila, everything is well and done just when you need it to be.

That sounds so clichè ewwww.


10. Enjoy every bit of it

College may seem to be hard but if you get the hang of it, it's actually, dare i say it, fun.

Sure it's full of stress and things but it has its prime times. Like passing a test and seeing the asshole of the class fail miserably.

Naughty me.

Trust me, this is only the start of the "real life" where everything isn't sugarcoated and we face all the crap life has to offer. And all things considered, college  seems to be  the easiest part of it all.

Think of it as a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs and then a guy drops his camera and everything goes to shit.
 ( guess what movie was that? Lol)

Just kidding.

It has its ups and downs but at the end of it all, it's one hell of a ride and you'll want more but this kind of thing only happens one so don't live around it, live with it. Except maybe when you fail your research and you get extended for another semester.

College is the last part of our lives where we are bounded, err, guided by rules. But those rules are what keeps us on track. After graduation, we would be free but the first question that pops out of our minds is "Now what?"

So while you're still in it, enjoy it. The studies, the profs, the crushes and most of it all, the people that you were with, the ones who carried you through  the way till the end.

Cheesy me.

So those are my tips on how to survive college. Follow these and surely, you can truly be called a survivor.

 So remember guys, study well, get your shit together and wear condoms. Being a teen parent is so much harder than being a college student. Like duuhhh, haven't you watched teen moms? The drama shit is real.

Always remember this quote from Mad tv;

"Kissing leads to humping,
Like farting leads to pooping."

So that's about it. And good luck!

Stay in school! Bye!


- Ian

Memory Hitch

Memory hitch.

I hate it when i do that.

It means that something will change, something will be lost forever.

It is the moment when i take in as much as i can in that specific moment of time where i connect it to an object or a person that i may not see ever again to help me remember them whenever i see that specific .object

I did it back in grade school. Weeks before graduation.

I remember that moment.

I was sitting in class and suddenly, the reality sank in to me, all at once. Everything and everybody that i am seeing now, would not be the same tomorrow, next week, next month or maybe ever. I won't see this place after graduation, but most of all, i won't see my friends everyday, anymore.

I took in the fact that there is a small window at my left, splashing bright light among us. I remember looking down at the floor and just thinking what will happen after i graduate. I remember me and my friends having random conversations as if nothing big would happen in a matter of weeks.

All my memories of grade school are stored beyond a small window.

I graduated and nothing was the same as before.

We moved to another place and i went to high school.

New faces, new places, new life.
It was all well.


I gathered years worth of memories.

Memories i'll treasure forever.

And then it happened again, a few weeks  before graduation.

The feeling of reality suddenly creeping up inside is just unsettling.

I was, once again, sitting in the room during physics class.

I took in the fact that there is a small green notebook at the floor, waiting to be picked up by its careless owner. I took in the fact that my armchair was creaking and brown. And that my teacher was discussing something but her words were overtaken by my thoughts.

A little green notebook holds it all.

I graduated and went to another place.

I went to a university and took the course that i liked.

It was, i would say, a bland experience. At first.

All my movements were robotic due to homesickness and my studies.

Go to school, study, have lunch, go back to my studies, go at the dorm, study more, sleep. And then the process repeats itself again the moment i wake up the next morning.

My daily routine is, no other word for it, bland.

And then Camps happened.

Someone melted a whole box of crayons and splashed it across my empty canvas of life.

Seeing colors being messily spread across a canvas doesn't mean anything to anyone.

But it's something to me.

All of a sudden, that blandness i felt was just.... gone.

It was all gone.

I get excited everytime i go to school knowing that he's going to be there. Where as before, i drag myself to my classroom just to attend the first period.

He is my daily motivation.

My inspiration.

At last, some meaning was injected to my boring college life.

But unfortunately, nothing really lasts.
I hate myself for not paying attention to him much more earlier.

But i hate myself even more because i did so when he is only a few months from leaving because of their OJT.

Every time i see him, i think about what would happen after he goes.

What would happen to me?

Would he take away all those colors away too and leave me there, being back to my bland routine?

The thought of the person that somehow gave color to your life leaving is really terrifying.

And the thought of it just makes me damn uncomfortable.

A month from now, that person would be just....gone.


I won't see a person walking around the shop in the most indifferent manner i could think of.

I won't see a person driving around the campus in a Volkswagen Beetle.

I won't see a person wearing a black, race event souvenir t-shirt making the silliest laugh i've ever heard.

I won't see a person grinning in  the goofiest fashion ever.

I won't see a person swinging his arms back and forth lazily in the air.

A month from now, i won't feel giddy anymore walking inside the shop.
A month from now, life at the shop would be just......bland. Again.

A month from now or so, that person would be somewhere else being supervised all the time while working. Not just for the experience, but for the grades as well.

And a month from now, my heartbeat would return to its original,yet bland,rythm.

All of those thoughts just flooded up my mind and.... Damn.

I might not see Camps ever again. For the rest of my life.

The whole senior year of our course is dedicated entirely for the OJT.

And graduation comes after that.

The odds of seeing him after college is just so slim.

And then it happened again.

Memory hitch

I took in the fact that his Beetle is parked in front of the shop. I took in the fact that above the Beetle, a tree branch with only a few leaves on it is waving with the wind. I took in the fact that the sky was clear blue. I took in the fact that i'm leaning  at  our prof's car because our class was cancelled.

It was a three hour period and my dorm was only a five minute walk away from the university. So my instincts told me to go to the dorm and just take a break.

But i didn't

I chose not to.

I chose to be in the shop, in close proximity with Camps. Just trying to steal glances as much as i can, knowing that one day, i won't be able to do it again.

Heavyheartedly,

 I took in the fact that Camps is wearing a black shirt, and he's right there, working on something with his classmates.

I took in the fact that his hair, which sweeps from right to left,  turns into a shade of brown under the sun.

And i took in the fact that the person that makes me flash the most meaningful smile i could is standing there, only a few feet from me, completey unaware that a another person in the shop is admiring him from a distance.

My heart sank.

I realized at that point that i don't need to hitch him to anything. Because everytime i enter the shop, a weird feeling suddenly burns inside me and i only know one person who could do that.

I don't have to see an object to remember him, he is on my mind the very moment i open my eyes in the morning.

And that makes it all even worse.

After a month, i would be drawn back to the dreary world of blandness.

After a month, nothing would ever be the same again inside the shop. Ever.
For me, that is.

My next semester would start off with a longing sigh, waiting for the familiar burble of a Volkswagen Beetle that would never really come.


Farewell, Camps.



 Farewell.


-Ian

Crush : The Series (Rye)

Code name: Rye
Age: 17 or 18
How tall?: 5 stars
How lean?: 5 stars
How fair skinned?: 4 stars

Oh i still remember that day well and clear.

The day where Ramz and i crashed his motorcycle into a car. Memories.

But first, some things about Rye.

Rye also takes the same course as me and we are at the same year level. Only thing is our major is different. His major focuses mostly on machinery but their shop is just next to ours so i see him almost everyday. I'm still hoping that we'll be classmates but the possibility of that thing happening is thinner than a piece of paper.

He is taller than me but by only a few inches. His skin is on the lighter side of the scale and his body build is extremely lean. No extra fat whatsoever. Thats probably why he tipped my lean-o-meter lol. He always wears a cap but his hair is just so amazing. I don't even know why he chooses to hide it. The way it sweeps onto one side and the way a few strands stick out to his forehead just makes me stare at him in awe.

Heck i even tried to do it to my hair. I applied lots of conditioners and used hair cuticle formulas but my hair is a bitch so nothing happened.

And the way he walks. Damn. Like he's full of confidence and i like that. Confident guys. Damn.

And when he wears pink, i just (no other word for it) swoon!

But i think he likes orange. He usually wears an orange bag and an orange cap.

I see him everyday cause duuhh schoolmates, but he did grab my attention during our aquaintance party not because he is damn attractive nor tall nor lean but it was something i didn't expect at all.

Here is what happened;

So after Ramz and i crashed and gave the other driver personal info and stuff. We proceeded to the party venue. Which is a resort. And the party is, well, a pool party.

All students that takes our course are all gonna be there.

So as the program was going on, the host decided to pick some students in the crowd who are dressed to impress. And Rye was picked from the crowd and nine others or so were on the stage-ish platform.

He wore this three fourth fit shirt, brown slim shorts, an orange cap and walking shoes. (Idk what those things are called, fashion is not really on my mind)

The host asks really random questions.

And he asked Rye the most random
question ever.

"Are you still a virgin?"
I was like OMG.

And then the unexpected happened.

He nodded.

I was like OMFG.

A 17 year old guy and still a virgin? That's like the rarest breed of all. How easy it is to find a virgin teen nowadays? I know i still am lol. But seriously, i still am.
We belong together lol.

His response really caught my attention. We both belong to a rare breed.


Virgin Teens.

It really puts me off when boys my age brag about how they already got laid and stuff. Like they think that its a massive plus points for the girls.

It isn't.

Well for me it isn't. It just shows that you are one impatient dude who just wants to have sex with almost everyone they meet. That's just nasty-ish.

When girls talks about their sex life, they are gonna be called a slut but when boys do, no one makes a fuss.

( see Lily Allen - Hard Out Here)

That song says it all.

Well anyway.

Well according to his response, Rye isn't one of those guys. He's different than the rest so that made me admire that quality about him. Being different. Not weird-different but not-go-with-the-flow-different.

I like that.

I mean, he is darn attractive so he could get laid anytime he wants but he chooses not to. So RESPECT.

There's actually this one time when i was outside the shop trying to take much fresh air as i can after some tricky tasks and Rye was there walking towards my direction along his friends.

I was like "shit!".

Not only do i look like shit, i probably smelled like one too. In fact, i smell like oil mixed with grease and sweat. Nasty.
I couldn't overreact to it so i just stayed there in my place till he was only a few feet away. And then i stared at his eyes and he stared at mine in return.

That was  three whole seconds of awesomeness.

His eyes were different. It's not just bland brown or something. It was this shade of deep black and it's just enchanting. Deep black eyes and white face got me thinking.

Holy shit. Vampire.

Just kidding.

But those eyes were the most amazing eyes i've seen. Yet.

It just holds so much depth in them.

And also there's this one time when i'm going up to the second floor with my classmate and then i saw him sitting on the rail. He was staring at our direction the entire time and i thought that he was staring at me and then when we were just about inches form him  my classmate said hi to him and Rye said something in return too. I found out later that they were classmates before. Damn. Lucky.

And Ramz and Rye were classmates too back in highschool. Ugh. Why didn't i go to their school?

I even took a picture of their class schedule at the dean's office. Not to be a stalker but i just wanna know when we are at the same building. Makes me feel better (said in a stalkerish voice) lol.

And  I can see him most of the time with his friends. So he must be friendly.

But Rye eerrr........doesn't get the top spot for me.

The reason? Well, what i felt didn't really last long.

And he stares at girls too much so yeah. Straight as a pole.

 And because Camps happened.


- Ian

Rant

I've been thinking lately when was the last time i put my guards down. The last time i let a person through my walls that i erect everyday from the moment i open my eyes in the morning. The time when i was genuine and true. The time when i was truly myself.

And then i realized i haven't

Eversince i could remember, i learned to put up walls to prevent people seeing the real me. The idea of a person seeing my true self just terrifies me. I usually think before i act or speak a lot because i don't want to give away hints of what i truly am. At first i thought that those walls were supposed to keep everybody else out. But i was wrong.

It's keeping me inside like a prisoner.

I always smile, i always do. But most of those are not real. That's just a front to let everyone know that i'm happy, but i'm not. Inside, i'm shedding tears nobody else sees.

I laugh a lot, but those loud laughs are forced.

I try to speak in a lower pitch always to hide my secret personality.

I shrug off offensive remarks about me but those words stay with me forever.

I hide a lot of things. Some are just better left unsaid.

I act extremely happy to hide the fact that i may be depressed.

I've been inside my walls for too long now that nothing feels more normal than hiding beneath my act.

I never thought i'd be so good at acting.

I feel like i couldn't trust anyone.

 I actually find it hard trusting some of my classmates. Not to brag but i get consistent marks in my academic performances. But the downside to that is (i think) my classmates only befriend me so that they would have access to my knowledge. I feel like they don't like me as a person, they only like me as a classmate that they could lean on during exams and nothing more.

I admit that i'm a very difficult person to be with. I get more mood swings than a pregnant woman, i'm grumpy most of the time, i'm very sensitive that i get offended at the smallest of things, my temper is shorter than a bald person's hair and i am not the friendliest person around.

And i'm waiting for that person who would accept all those quirks and accept me for being me.

This loneliness i got gets more emphasized during dismissal times. After a quiz, the prof ends the classes and my classmates would just leave me there alone in the room not even bothering waiting for me outside. I know it's quite stupid getting mad at them for not waiting for me but taking in the fact that they all sat around me, copied my answers and got almost higher marks than me gives me the right to be. At least when they wait for me they show that they would like to give me company but oh boy no, thats not how it works for them. The moment the prof ends the classes. They would all be gone and i would be left there fixing my things and leaving the room all by myself looking like a massive loner which i truly am.

At least being alone gives me time to think about how huge of an ass they are to me. I feel like shit.

I want to trust them so badly, i want to consider them as reliable friends. I see that they can be.

Or maybe that's how the boy world works. I don't know because back in high school most of my friends are girls and i never get to be close friends with boys until now.

Or maybe i'm too much of a softie to be friends with them

Or maybe because i'm such a whiny boy.

Can somebody just wreck my walls already.

Can someone call Miley.

Wow, this has gone way off topic but still, whatever. I want marshmallows.


- Ian

Crush: The Series (Ramz)

Code Name: Ramz
Age: 18
How tall?: 4 stars
How lean?: 3 stars
How fair skinned?: 3 stars

Ramz. The crazy, carefree, humorous classmate.

Yup Ramz is my classmate.

He is a guy with a really great sense of humor. And i like guys like those. The ones who could laugh at your jokes and laugh at his in return. He never fails to make me smile. He is also the first person i asked in the shop during my freshman years. I never knew he was gonna be my calssmate then.

Note: Our course major  involves a lot of cars and engines. So we call our major subject shop because it looks just like an auto shop.

His voice is so deep. He looks like he goes to the gym. Or used to go to the gym. But still, the body built is still there. If it isn't for his tummy, surely he'll get five stars from me lol. And his shoulders are so broad. And he likes to open up topics about cars which i am more than willing to talk about. And he is the same height as me. And he has pimples. But still, HOT HOT HOT.

We both joined the school organization where i met Pards. And he knows Pards, too.

As you know by now, he is a total jokester. And at some point, i don't really know if it's a joke or a serious matter coated with his humorous tone. I actually made a list that contains everything he said to me that teased me and got me thinking: is he joking or is he interested in me? I don't know. Maybe i'm just assuming things.
Whatever, here it goes:

1.) He said "I love you" to me.

 He did. It was in a room and one of my classmates was playing songs on his phone. And then this song came up and it's chorus is like saying that (the singer) loves the boy but her whole family is against it. And then the chorus came and he sang along with it.
(It is a song sung in my native language so this isn't really the actual lyrics to it so its gonna be translated to english).
The "I love you..." part began and instead of saying "but", he replaced it with my name. He sang out with eyes staring at me "I love you Ian". Holy shit. I just smiled at him and he smiled at me in return. But deep inside, i was leaping for joy.

2.) He almost kissed me.

It was one time after shop hours and me and my other classmate was buying food from the cafeteria.
Ramz went somewhere else to get a starter repaired or something so he missed the entire shop time. When they got back and they saw us, he went close to me and said
"I missed you Ian" and he got his lips closer to my cheek and i immediately put a distance between me and him. He laughed it off and i did to. If i didn't move away that time, he could've been my first kiss. Damn.

(Hey i'm a very conservative person,can't blame me)

3.) He presented me as his boyfriend in front of his highschool friends.

So it was going like this. We were walking around the city center side by side (can't remember the reason why we were there) and he saw his high school friends approaching. And as they were getting close he smiled to them and they smiled but i almost freaked out with what he said. When they were near enough with each other to have a conversation, he pointed at me and told loud enough for me to hear "Hey! He's my boyfriend" . Fuck shit.
I couldn't believe my ears then. And my heart just stopped for a minute. I spent the whole day thinking about that moment.

And those are some of the things he did that i rememered which really got me thinking.

As classmates, we've been through a lot together. Hell, we even crashed his motorcycle to a car. We were fine though, but the rear bumper of the car was fucked and he ended up paying for it while i was there at the side of the road looking at the car and computing for the damage done.

And it turned out that the owner goes to the same school as we. Bummer.

Well at least that was one memorable experience with him. My first ever motorcycle related accident. That would leave a mark.Pun intended.

And i think that he knows that i am a sexually confused guy. My best friends told me that when a straight guy sees a gay guy, he immediately knows. (But i still don't consider myself gay. I still have girl crushes but those ones aren't as huge as the ones i have for boys.)

One time, there's only the two of us so he opened up a topic. He told me that he was not pleased with one of our flamboyant gay classmate (we have two btw). And i asked him why and his answer was. "Because he's gay......ness level is just too much."

That statement got me thinking. He didn't say "Because he's gay". He specifically pin pointed that he doesn't like him being too flamboyant. Maybe he was thinking that if he told me that he doesn't like our classmate because he is gay, he would think that i would get offended because to him, i am gay, and that i would then imply that he doesn't like me because of that statement. All i'm trying to say is that he is very careful with his choice of words to prevent hurting me or something like that. So i respect him for that. Very few people think before they speak.
And needless to say. Even if i turn out to be gay, i wouldn't be acting like a girl. Sure i maybe a softie but never girly. And i would never cross dress and no operations whatsoever. I promise myself that. I'm just a boy who likes boys. That's it and nothing else.

Thing i don't like about ramz is that he is lazy. Yup massive turn off.
One day he would be at school and then the other he's gonna be M.I.A. And he is a very hard person to understand. One minute he's happy and then the other he's quiet as if thinking of something deep.

And he has a girlfriend. So back off Ian.

I respect other people's relationship and i wouldn't barge in one just to get the person i like. Just try putting yourself in the shoes of one them and somebody is trying to steal your guy away. What would you feel?

Exactly.

And i'm also afraid to admit that i have a crush on him because i don't know how he would react to it. Just being friends with him is enough for me. I value our friendship more. I wouldn't dare try say it to him. I don't like gambling especially if your relationship with that person would be hugely affected by it. I treasure my friends and i always try to keep that friendship alive.

-Ian