Rant

I've been thinking lately when was the last time i put my guards down. The last time i let a person through my walls that i erect everyday from the moment i open my eyes in the morning. The time when i was genuine and true. The time when i was truly myself.

And then i realized i haven't

Eversince i could remember, i learned to put up walls to prevent people seeing the real me. The idea of a person seeing my true self just terrifies me. I usually think before i act or speak a lot because i don't want to give away hints of what i truly am. At first i thought that those walls were supposed to keep everybody else out. But i was wrong.

It's keeping me inside like a prisoner.

I always smile, i always do. But most of those are not real. That's just a front to let everyone know that i'm happy, but i'm not. Inside, i'm shedding tears nobody else sees.

I laugh a lot, but those loud laughs are forced.

I try to speak in a lower pitch always to hide my secret personality.

I shrug off offensive remarks about me but those words stay with me forever.

I hide a lot of things. Some are just better left unsaid.

I act extremely happy to hide the fact that i may be depressed.

I've been inside my walls for too long now that nothing feels more normal than hiding beneath my act.

I never thought i'd be so good at acting.

I feel like i couldn't trust anyone.

 I actually find it hard trusting some of my classmates. Not to brag but i get consistent marks in my academic performances. But the downside to that is (i think) my classmates only befriend me so that they would have access to my knowledge. I feel like they don't like me as a person, they only like me as a classmate that they could lean on during exams and nothing more.

I admit that i'm a very difficult person to be with. I get more mood swings than a pregnant woman, i'm grumpy most of the time, i'm very sensitive that i get offended at the smallest of things, my temper is shorter than a bald person's hair and i am not the friendliest person around.

And i'm waiting for that person who would accept all those quirks and accept me for being me.

This loneliness i got gets more emphasized during dismissal times. After a quiz, the prof ends the classes and my classmates would just leave me there alone in the room not even bothering waiting for me outside. I know it's quite stupid getting mad at them for not waiting for me but taking in the fact that they all sat around me, copied my answers and got almost higher marks than me gives me the right to be. At least when they wait for me they show that they would like to give me company but oh boy no, thats not how it works for them. The moment the prof ends the classes. They would all be gone and i would be left there fixing my things and leaving the room all by myself looking like a massive loner which i truly am.

At least being alone gives me time to think about how huge of an ass they are to me. I feel like shit.

I want to trust them so badly, i want to consider them as reliable friends. I see that they can be.

Or maybe that's how the boy world works. I don't know because back in high school most of my friends are girls and i never get to be close friends with boys until now.

Or maybe i'm too much of a softie to be friends with them

Or maybe because i'm such a whiny boy.

Can somebody just wreck my walls already.

Can someone call Miley.

Wow, this has gone way off topic but still, whatever. I want marshmallows.


- Ian